forward momentum

Or propulsion. Or hurtling helter-skelter into the unknown.
I don’t even know why there’s a premise for planning out ones life. Because I do not know of one single occasion when things have turned out the way I intended.

As such, I’m about to embark on a journey for which I have no map (not that I ever had one, but, you know,  metaphors.): single parenting.

We decided leafys papa would go to his dream job and I’d stay here so I can get an education. Maybe we’ll save some money, maybe we’ll decide being apart is rubbish, maybe it’ll be great, maybe I’ll be well, maybe leafy will suffer, maybe I haven’t got a clue.

I’m ridiculously grateful for the kindred spirit I’ve found in my 71 year old psychologist, not the least because she’s got me a little less frantic about the unknown future over which I have no control thus rendering the incessant ‘what if’s’ null and void. But I’m relieved to not be going – I believe that’s the best option for me right now. I’m glad leafys papa has the opportunity – he deserves it.

BUT.

ARE WE MAKING ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS HERE?

I dunno, but I guess I’m okay with the only option being give-it-a-crack-and-hope-for-the-best.

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habit forming

For the fifth day in a row I’ve snuck in to leafys room to watch her sleep.
Ever since the day we went walking and she fell asleep in the pram, when I looked in at that relaxed chubby cheeked monster and thought hot damn I made something perfect, I haven’t been able to help myself.
I dont really know why, she just looks so perfect and innocent and at peace.
And she’s not destroying something, making a mess or leaking bodily fluids onto the freshly cleaned carpet.

I’ve also taken to thinking, almost all the time, how good we are together. Just the two of us. How we could withstand anything, leafy and bambi against the world.
Cause lately it kind of has been just the two of us, and its really become how I want it to be. Long term. All my future images have become just the two of us doing shit, going places. Making messes.
It’s too early for me to know what to do about that kind of thought.

Perhaps I should just stop thinking it.
Perhaps I should stop staring at her like she’ll disappear.

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