narcissism

Recently I disabled my Facebook page (not deleted, though) when I realised just how much time I spent scrolling and scrolling and scrolling through mindless rubbish of people I mostly didn’t like, or couldn’t delete because I was too interested in their dramatic shenanigans, or who I kept due to moral obligation.
Read: people I went to school with who still live in our town and I’ll probably have to see at a reunion some day soon.
And extended family.

But since pulling out of uni it came to my attention just how much time wasting I was doing. I’d replaced my uni time with Facebook, instagram, baby forums, WordPress, a plethura of asinine mediums to distract me from how bored I was.
And still came away bored.

Which led me to resolutions. Not new years. Not new week, not new month just middle-of-the road-why-the-hell-not-they-probably-won’t-last-anyway-good-old-fashioned-nannas-home-baked resolutions!
Facebook is gone – but not deleted, just disabled. You know, in case I need it. For something.
Baby forum app is deleted. I mostly laugh at bored housewives anyway.
What constitutes a housewife you say? Well it’s an outdated concept of a woman staying home to care for the children and the house whilst the husband goes to work and supports them.
Essentially, me. But I digress.
WordPress is revisited with gusto! This writing caper is both constructive AND a brilliant way of looking back on e’s early days in a formatted and clear manner.
Instagram ha! Too many people I can’t make unfollow me but I don’t want them seeing pictures of my beautiful baby. But she’s all I see worth photographing lately and – let’s be honest – I’m no Anne Geddes. These things aren’t winning awards (except that time one of my Photo A Day challenges with Fatmumslim made the top four last year). So Instagram is logged out (on the phone. Not the iPad. Semantics really, let’s get back on point).

I’m feeling fresh. Free. More time on my hands to…
Do housework…
Actually watch what’s on tv…
Try and engage my baby who wants to sit on the floor and shove grapes in her face…
Read every single book I own for the fifty third time…
Go to the gym…
Cook…?!

Dear god.
Well, I suppose that’s life until uni starts up again next year! Pleasantly dull. With a bit of online shopping. But predominantly full of maturation, growth and self awareness!

Ps. I started an Instagram account as though E was controlling it, chronologically depicting her life as baby leafy and am inspecting a house next door to my parents this afternoon okay gotta go bye!

Advertisements

Dissatisfaction.

I often wonder, when, in all my free and unoccupied spare time, I’m lounging around reading a novel and contemplating my life, why I feel as though things need to change.
It could be linked to this disposable culture we live in (yes it’s one of those young hooligans write ups), or my own fickle and short attention spanned lump of mush resembling a brain.

New phone, new clothes, new computer, new bed linen.. are these things meant to fill a void? They’re not just for me, I want things for leafy, too. Thankfully I have some semblance of restraint as I’m aware just how far from being financially blessed we are.
But I will not deny that a large portion of my day is spent perusing online shopping sites for some retail therapy.

It’s relatively easy to continue to exist in day to day life without such indulgences and look back to realise that the need was obviously not as dire as first thought.

I’m moving ever more into adult territory though, and the needs are big ticket items that are actually reasonable – in the long term. But what happens when I change my mind about those? What happens when we get a new car and its not as good as I’d imagined? What if I get a really specific idea in mind for a home and we cant find it? If, God forbid, I’d have to settle? OR what if we do find what I want, but it needs work? How long will that take? What if the renovations don’t turn out how I pictured it?

I have no resolution for these worries. We’re far from ever needing to worry about them really, beyond ‘do i need that candle? No, best put it in savings.’

But I never do. I love coffee and cheeseburgers and books too much.

Ah to be a grown up!

decisions of the indecisive kind

You know when you battle over a decision then think, ‘yeah…’
But after a while you think, ‘hmmm…’
And then you AGONISE over changing your original decision because the new one seemed A THOUSAND times better when it first came into your head (aka your mum pointed out the pitfalls of nightshift with a toddler).
And you think, ‘actually it doesn’t even matter because the new idea could never work…’
But in the back of your mind, ‘…or could it?’ Without too much hope.
You’re furiously researching, pretending you’re not desperate to identify a way to make this new thing happen.
And then! ‘Ohmygoditwillworkohmygodohmygodimdoingitthisisititsgoingtowork!’
*Cue several checks with various influential parties for confirmation of the ideas brilliance, where they really only hear the positives of The New Idea That Is Now The Best Idea Ever And In No Way Likely To Fail.*
You feel at peace. You take actions to effectively sever ties with the first idea, almost feeling nostalgic in your New Idea euphoria.

A eurphoria that lasts all of an hour before;
The Doubt.

An insidious and cruel feature of your mind that haunts any positivity, any New Idea, any thing at all really.

Now The Best Idea Ever is silly.
Stupid.
Idiotic.
Insurmountably impossible and your world is spiralling out of control with despair at your ridiculous ambitious delusions.

Your pour a large glass of wine and reflect.

You savour the hell out of that divine substance.

You’re doomed, but it tastes good and that means things are all right.

….so do you know?
No? I guess it’s just me.
Another glass, dear.

whatcha doin’, mama?

This is the question on everybody’s lips.
That is, everybody that’s at the center of my life.

That is; Baby Leafy. (Even she thinks that’s her name now. The oft repeated game of ‘where’s the baby?’ is met with confusion when addressed in any other way.)

Once again I’ve unenrolled from university. The suggestion of a private practice career still in health care that involves working with ones hands and building relationships with clients has lead me to physiotherapy.
Since my heinous SIJ issues whilst cooking leafy and the wonderful treatment I had at the hands of my Physio Claire, the ideas been at the back of my mind. Working regular hours without the pressure of night shift, plus the possibility of being my own boss for just four years work? Yes please.
So I’ve got the year to play with again. I ought to get something done, I hear you say.
Yes. This is true. We need to move house, so that buying one doesn’t seem so imminent.
But I want to buy various items of very little importance to decorate someone else’s home that I borrow for an exorbitant price!
I want a pretty winter wardrobe! (Incidentally i’ve just had a major clean out and have no winter stuff. Guess Tropical Queensland didn’t send me off with a whole lot of warm gear.)
I want to read novels!
I want to get fit!
I want to spend a bit more time with my mildly settled high maintenance beauty bubba and her ever patient father!
Perhaps I’ll get a job, take some pressure off of wonder papa.
In reality I’ll procrastinate like an abosloute pro and it’ll be January again before you know it.

Am I even making the right choice?
I hear ya, Leafy. What am I doing with my life?